The Rules of London Travel

September 10, 2009 in London, Rants | 3 comments

1. Stand on the LEFT of the esculator

Because why pay any attention to the signs that say ‘stand on the right?’ They’re merely decoration. The rest of us who actually need to get somewhere in a rush really enjoy getting stuck behind you, so please, stand on the left.

2. Do NOT move down the carriages

Nope, don’t move down so we can stand comfortably. I personally really enjoy crammed between sets of armpits, playing sardines. It makes for a much more pleasant journey – I might even pass out from the armpit stench, which will make the journey go much quicker!

3. Don’t let me get off the train/bus/underground before you get on

Slamming into me is good manners and character building. It’s also far more logical to squeeze into a smaller space, rather than let me vacate it, thus creating a larger space.

4. Talk very loudly on your mobile

Because it’s really good to know that you slept with X on this night and he/she was a lousy lay. I’m also very pleased to hear that your smear test was clear and your colleague has BO.

5. Chew gum with your mouth open at all times

Who doesn’t love the sound of lips smacking and squelching? And the strings of already-been-chewed gum stretching between your lips. It’s a beautiful sight and music to my ears.

6. Argue with the conductor about not touching in with your Oyster card

It’s fine; I have no where I need to get to in a hurry. After all, it’s definately the conductor’s fault that you didn’t pay and he must realise that.

7. Block the gates whilst you search for your travelcard / Oyster card during rush hour

Again, take your time. We don’t need to get anywhere.

8. Walk slowly at all times

Clearly, you like having me stand on your heels. And I fully understand that you must be deaf when I say ‘excuse me.’

  1. GeoffwithaG on September 10, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    You been playing with the special people on public transport again, luv? Just as well you don’t have the power of god for the day – we wouldn’t have any idiots to make our journeys more interesting. X x

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  2. Charlie on September 10, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    I think the opposite on buses, it’s annoying moving down the bus, but the tube is different. There are enough doors on the tube to ensure that wherever you are you’re able to get out pretty quickly no matter where you’re stood.

    The mobile phone thing seems to correlate with the person’s funds and “great” lifestyle. I remember a Margo who was going to a wedding that was incredibly expensive and posh. Spent the whole journey having to hear about Margo’s wealth. So many people had a look of relief on their face when she got off.

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  3. Eddie on October 11, 2009 at 11:14 am

    As a regular Tube user (in particular the Metropolitan Line) I totally recognise everything you described.

    Reply